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The opinions expressed herein are my own personal opinions and do not represent anyone else's view in any way, including those of my employer.
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The opinions expressed herein are my own personal opinions and do not represent anyone else's view in any way, including those of my employer.
© Copyright 2009
Right now, things are not going well. External things (house progressing, job great, etc,) are going great, but I seem to be losing the internal battle.
For those of you who haven’t read my blog archives, I have Ultradian Bipolar Disorder. This means that I can have a manic swing and a depressive swing in the span of a single day. I take an antipsychotic, a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant to level the field so I can progress forward on my recovery.
Well, I am not very recovery oriented right now. My major thought right now is how exactly to hold a handgun to my head so I can most effectively blow my brains out. I call these “bad thoughts,” and right now they are running rampant in between my ears. The best way I can describe it is an out-of-control Merry-go-round. Let me stress that I am not suicidal. I have no wish to die, and I know there is a way out. It’s just an uncontrollable mental image that I cannot shake.
Right now, I am holding my self together through sheer force of will. Instead of hiding under my desk and crying, I am sitting at my desk, writing this post. I am supressing the urge to start banging my head on my desk.
I have a comp day coming, and I wanted to save it for something important. I guess this is it. I’ll try to see y’all tomorrow.
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